We are all connected to one another whether or not we realize it or acknowledge it. When something happens in the world we all feel it. When something happens to a love one somehow you just know. However we overlook the small sign of things to come. We say to ourselves that things will become better and that life will live on.
The times in our lives that we look back upon seem so clear than the events that preceded it. In my own family I have experienced this feeling. When someone is down and out sad and/or depressed we typically do not know the right words to say or what to do. We simply find refuge in sharing phrases handed down to us such as "hang in there" or "keep your chin up" sometimes thats all we feel that we can offer.
Many times we really do not need to say anything at all. We do not need to encourage our significant others regardless if they are family or if they are a friend. I have learned that sometimes we need only listen to understand what is truly going on with one another. We often spend much time speaking and making sure that we are heard that we tend to forget to listen to others. We forget that hearing a person is not enough to listen to them.
I never knew my grandmother. I was about 1yrs old when she took her life. She lept out of the window of her apartment high rise on Thanksgiving many years ago. The family said her behavior had drastically changed leading up to the event and that she was depressed over how what was once a close family was starting to drift apart. They were right but the family was growing older, the sons and daughters had quickly become mothers and fathers of their own. Some too soon others when they felt they were ready.
This was a story I was told when I was younger. I never knew why my family was such a mental landmine, meaning you never knew who or when would explode and lash out in irrational manners. I was a young child who was abused physically and emotionally. I learned to observe the world and make sense of it all. It wasn't until we sat down in my adult years and really talked about all of this that the root of their problems were from feelings of regret, guilt, and lack of ability to vent their emotions and frustrations about past transgressions.
As recently as a year ago my own father took his life. He shot himself for reasons I wont ever know completely but given the state of things not only in the world but his personal life I could piece together. My father was emotional like myself. He wasnt shy to show them or to speak about it. People however dismissed his woes for short term depression. He was out of work so when he shared feelings about being down people said dont worry things will pick up, but he also shared his guilt about the family splitting up about 20yrs ago something he never forgave himself about.
He pointed the finger at many issues not solely the issues of securing employment. He lived a troubled life that began in the projects of Astoria, Queens NY. You had to be rough back then made of stern stuff. You could not help but constantly look over your shoulder. You never knew when you might get jumped, robbed etc. He always told me about the days back then and in my earliest memories I can recall situations when I myself as a youth were presented with troubling situations and memories so I knew he wasnt fabricating these scenarios.
Through the troubled times he found solice in drinking. What started out as an after work relaxation method quickly became a drinking habit. A wife and four kids on a small income and welfare assistance will take the dignity away from any man regardless of how strong. They divorced and we all went our seperate ways. I moved with my aunt and uncle in New Jersey. My brother and sister moved with my father to Florida and the oldest sibling my sister stayed in NYC to fend for herself.
That background along with the fact he struggled with work, paying the bills and his alcoholism his whole life and you pair that with the crushing depression of the actual financial depression that the entire USA felt it isnt hard to understand wanting to pull the trigger. While I dont agree with what he ultimately did does not mean that I cannot be somewhat understanding.
The point of writing all this is to share that Suicide does in fact Speak. It starts off with small comments that we pass off as murmurs of depression or doubt that things will get better. When the continue over and over it is more and more like the boy who called wolf. We push these people away or out of our lives instead of asking what you can do to help or if you can assist in any way, perhaps making some phone calls or helping pass around a resume etc. People cut you off.
When a person feels alone and knows that others are saying hey I do not want to talk with you until you get your ducks in a row, your life in order to a person whose entire adult life has been anything but stable it becomes a daunting task. How can I get people back, become positive when I have pointed the finger outwardly my entire life and have not caught a break? A break in life does not come to you if you sit around and just wait for it to happen. Luck has to happen when opportunity meets an action.
Sometimes I wish I talked to my father not as a son who listened to his stories over and over about the good ole days and the way things used to be and how he wished he could change things, instead I wish I would have said hey dad email me your resume and I will throw it up on Monster what do you have to lose? Or something more constructive than talking about my own issues and problems while his were more severe. I lived at college or with my aunt. I had no idea what it felt like to have to pay bills, put food on the table on little to no money.
Now that I do live on my own and I find myself in the same position without a job and living on unemployment I now see the perils of the unemployed and those who have no family helping them out. It can be really depressing and at times I can get really down and out. I however have eliminated people in my life who are destructive only want to drink and smoke etc. I have surrounded myself with people who inspire me, who are productive who do more in a day than I can imagine most people doing in a week or more.
I guess the point of this is to say listen more to those in your life, do not just give them empty advice but empathy. Try to help in more creative ways than just a saying here and there. I know at times people can get annoyed but try to change it up, take them out for a walk in the park, a movie something that gets them out of the house and thinking about new things. Suicide is something that when it happens affects everyone and the survivors feel shy and ashamed. I have learned that speaking about it really helps in the healing process.
Suicide is NOT easy and it is not something I would ever wish upon anyone. However there are things you can as simple as talking about it or by reading books or websites about the topic. There are support groups and people who are willing to listen to you and allow you to talk about how you feel and even share their own stories, such can be found on http://www.suicide.org I urge you to read up if you can if you feel someone you know is in danger. I think anything is better than nothing, and do not live in regret if the worst does happen. It is not your fault especially if you tried your best. I do not know if it runs in my family but I always call a friend or a loved one if I feel depressed to make sure I prevent ever getting to that level.
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